Over the summer I struggled with feeling like I didn’t have a purpose. I felt…useless and certainly didn’t feel at peace. Surely I should be doing more with my time. How was it that I found purpose and peace? It took a while to get there, but God was leading the way the whole time.
Before we started traveling, I served at church, and we hosted a small group. When the boys went to public school, I volunteered at their school (I was even on the PTO board during the last year). All that to say that I had things to do. I felt like it was serving people and had a purpose.
Now, I’ve lost all that. There’s not much you can do to serve at your church when you’re thousands of miles away. I thought maybe God could use me to lead an online Bible study. That idea crashed and burned pretty hard when there was no interest. I now realize that what I thought might have been God’s purpose for me was really just me trying to create a purpose with my own ideas.
Why didn’t God want to use me? Was I not good enough? I wrestled with these thoughts off and on for weeks if not months. Jeremy tried to encourage me and remind me of ways that God was using me. I teach the boys, keep them fed, and all the things that a homeschooling mama does. He reminded me that God could use our Instagram and weekly emails to be a light and encouragement to others.
It makes sense now looking back, but I just wasn’t seeing it. I wasn’t convinced our social media and emails were reaching anyone. I wasn’t convinced they could be my purpose, but why would God want me to be “just” a mom?
Then I did a study of the book of Ruth with She Reads Truth, and I had a huge realization. Ruth didn’t know how God would use her. She was just trying to survive and take care of her mother-in-law. She became a mother. Her role in their society would have been that of “just” a wife and mother. She may never have known that one of her descendants would become the king of Israel (David). Not only that, but she’s in the lineage of JESUS. God used her. We know her story all over the world, but she may never have known her impact.
Now, I’m not saying I’ll have anywhere near the impact of Ruth, but the point is that I don’t know God’s plans and I don’t have to. I don’t know what He may have in store for me or for our boys, but I’m not “just” a mom. I’ve come to realize that at this point in our lives my focus and purpose is my family. I truly believe God wants my main focus to be on the boys’ schooling and making them a priority.
Since the day I had that realization about Ruth, peace has come over me. I’m no longer trying to create a purpose for myself. Rather, I’m embracing the purpose that God practically placed right in my lap. I’m enjoying planning our school days. We’re all learning and growing.